Here is a smattering of observations from last semester’s work here and how it felt. They’re some final reflections before other activities drive my attention elsewhere (I’m about to go to the Opening Ceremony for the Korean Fulbright teachers I’ll be teaching over the next several weeks, for example).
I never took a day off. Not. one. day. That was unwise (I’m being kind to myself). Yes, we moved during the semester; I went to a friend’s wedding in California; my in-laws visited for ten days; my dog got sick and had emergency surgery, etc. There were a couple days when I really needed a day, just one. But I refused to allow it. It was a sick sort of fear that if I missed just one day, I’d fall behind, and I’d have only myself to blame. In reality, if I had given myself a day off–even a day a week–I probably would have been more clear-minded about doing my work.
I almost didn’t take time off during this holiday (yes, I still have work–the Korean teachers, the advisory program doesn’t follow the university schedule, unfortunately). I started to realize I was angry at myself for not getting a break, fantasizing about summer break already. That was wrong, especially since I was feeling guilty for not working enough during my break. So I just came off four days of a self-imposed break. At Pedernales Falls on Rob’s birthday (Saturday), I felt myself having thoughts, the kind I used to have when I wasn’t working and feeling sick about working.
When I finished writing my last paper at the end of the semester (I wrote forty-five pages in the last couple weeks… this isn’t remarkable for graduate school, but an indicator of how busy I was), I felt not just a sense of relief. I felt like I had just gotten out of jail. When did graduate school become prison? Again, I like what I’m studying; I’m passionate about it. But I do not want to feel imprisoned.
So, next semester, I will give myself permission to have breaks. If I end up feeling constantly shackled, my work will suffer, and I will suffer.
And now it’s off to work.
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